What is a Healthy Parent Child Relationship

“From Parent to Partner” – sounds familiar? This famous advertisement tagline belongs to one of India’s leading Edutech brands which tells parents that when children learn through their platform online, academic performance skyrockets and ‘parents’ become ‘partners’. The ad ends with the child and parent spending quality time together. The idea of parents befriending their children giving way to a happier, closer parent-child relationship is the selling point here. This concept of an open, fun relationship between parents and children is gaining popularity in India and a large number of parents are turning to it. They are transforming from “strict disciplinarians” to “friendly mentors”. But this is easier said than done. Leaving an entire mindset behind and accepting your child’s indiscretions is quite a challenge to overcome. But as we found out, India’s millennial parents are working hard towards it.

New-Age Parenting

Arnav is 10 years old and loves to play video games. His parents decided to gift him the latest Playstation and a bundle of gaming CDs to go along. Ecstatic little Arnav couldn’t thank his parents enough and all was good until they found that Arnav started spending more and more of his time playing video games than doing anything else. He started skipping homework, meals and soon after, school itself. As their child slowly turned into a truant, Arnav’s parents decided to speak to a parenting expert at his school about the situation. As directed by the counsellor, instead of scolding or using force, they sat Arnav down and asked him if he thinks he is going the right way. To their astonishment, Arnav knew what he had been doing wrong but despite the knowledge, couldn’t bring himself to stop playing video games. He softly admitted to the borderline addiction and without being prompted asked his parents to help him come out of it in a way that doesn’t make him feel bad about letting go. Little did his parents know that the hard part was already over.

This healthy form of communication is the most important step in building the right parent-child relationship. Instead of reacting the way Indian parents have been traditionally reacting to such incidents, a trusting, warm and friendly approach to the problem can help solve it faster and better. Of course, the results aren’t instant. A lot of work still needed to be done to get Arnav back on track but it was done as a team and not as a series of parents vs. child trials! Gradually reducing game time, distracting himself with other fun activities and paying attention in school one class at a time and most importantly constant support from his parents helped him step away from an unhealthy attachment to gaming.

Another important thing to note here is that schools today are going beyond the usual classroom learning, grades, PTA meets, and moving towards holistic education which includes guidance for children as well as parents. Counsellors are now available for consultation who advocate a supportive, open relationship between parent and child. They also conduct exclusive sessions for parents, especially of students under the age of 10, on the right approach to parenting and have experts available for specific concerns. As the world is advancing, parenting techniques cannot lag behind because what children need to go out into the world today cannot be provided by traditional ways of raising children. And schools are incorporating that into their education systems.

When we met 5-year-old Himanshu, it was an absolute delight. He loves to tell funny anecdotes and lights up any place he walks into. While speaking to Himanshu’s mother about his warm and pleasant nature, we learnt that it has in fact been a determined, well thought out strategy to ensure he develops the right behavior in the presence of others. She said it was the biggest challenge to accomplish that without resorting to force or scolding. “We didn’t want him to ever feel like he could not speak his mind but at the same time we wanted him to be mindful of what he was saying and that there is a time and place for everything.”, she said.

Whenever Himanshu would behave inappropriately, all they had to do was not react to it all. “The child notices that there is a difference in the way that his behavior is being received. Instead of any kind of positive response like laughter or even a smile, his actions are met with sheer silence. What parents don’t realize is that this itself is enough to teach a child the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. The use of fear to get children to do what is right is not the best approach to building a healthy relationship with them.

When it comes to social experiences, parents are also overly concerned about the company that the child keeps. We tend to start taking notice of who the friends of our children are. Who we like, dislike and who we would rather have in their lives. As a result, we start to restrict children from socializing with certain individuals. This again breaks the trust and makes the child feel alone and constrained. This is also when the lying and hiding begins. Letting children have varied experiences, good or bad, might be particularly hard for parents but that’s what is needed more than force to prepare them for the future.

The Pandemic Challenge

During lockdowns, as children spend more time at home, it is difficult for parents to give them undivided attention. It is then that a tense atmosphere builds up and parents tend to impatiently snap at them if they do not behave as desired.

7-year-old Disha’s parents are both founders of their respective companies. Needless to say, they have very little time during the day to focus on her. “We were extremely stressed during the entire lockdown because we had no time and with classes being conducted online and parents being asked to attend in some cases, it was impossible for either of us to take charge. When things just stopped working, we decided to take time to sit with her and understand what she feels, things she needs, what she likes and what she misses. It was then that we realized the pandemic was just as hard on her and it was on us.” Isolation is unnatural for children and the ability to adapt to a home-bound environment can be extremely difficult for the little ones. Parents in such scenarios need to be empathetic more than ever. As Disha’s parents began listening to her, they got to understand her temperament, her classroom dynamic, and rapport with children in her class. “As we got to understand this more we realized she needed our guidance instead of our instruction.”, said Disha’s mother. “We were able to establish a routine which matched our timing and her needs just by talking to her.” Mere instructions often confuse children. They sound more like rules and restrictions which are not ideal in an already restricted home environment. The home is the only place where a child can be in its natural skin. If restricted, it can lead to unnatural upbringing and a troublesome future.

What Parents Must Do

It takes a hard-hitting fact to make a parent say that they haven’t been the best guardian. However, part of building the right relationship with your child is to observe how you are as a parent. There is always room for improvement so at any point before raising your finger at the child it is a good idea to know what you could have done better.

Imagine your own journey as a child. When did you feel you were close to your parents and when did you hate them. Which parent were you closer to and why? Who did you idolize at home and what made you do so? Did you feel the need to hide things from your parents? If yes, then why?

The friendly, guided approach to parenting is not as easy as it sounds. In the beginning this process takes time. You might run out of patience several times or the child might not listen despite all your efforts. But the key is to continue it and eventually the stubbornness, the resistance dials down as the child realizes there is nothing to resist. The reason children show stubbornness is because there is a gap in their understanding of why something is being denied. As parents we tend to assume children would know why something is deemed bad but that is not the case. We are talking about a mind that is yet to be molded and cannot be expected to exhibit logical reasoning. Effort has to be made to do this and that too without force. On the other hand, leniency is also not the right policy. Parents must understand the difference between leniency and support. Never saying no has just as disastrous results as too much restriction. Parenting has evolved with each generation and today’s parents need to adopt a supportive, open and friendlier approach to raising children in order to maintain a happy, healthy relationship with them and give them the right support to succeed in life.